karkat falls into the underground

Long ago, two races rules over Alternia: TROLLS and MONSTERS.
One day, war broke out between the two races.
After a long battle, the trolls were victorious.
They sealed most of the monsters underground with a powerful machine.
Many years later...
MT. Essuh, 20XX.
Legends say that those who cimb the mountain never return.

ACT 1: How was the fall?

You are lying in a bed of golden flowers. You hurt. A lot. It's a fucking miracle you survived, falling hundreds of feet would surely have smushed you like a grub.

KARKAT: WOW. I FUCKING HURT.

Good job stating the obvious, smarty pants.

KARKAT: OH GOD IS THAT A VOICE IN MY HEAD? I MUST'VE HIT MY HEAD PRETTY HARD. FUCK YOU, VOICE. BY THE WAY.

You look around, there's no way to get back up. All there is in this musty hole is some flowers and a small hallway-like passage to deeper in. You decide to get up and dust yourself off and hope the cave provides some relief, either through deadly subterranean monsters to help you off yourself or potentionally a jadeblood nest.

KARKAT: IT FUCKING REEKS IN HERE, IT'S LIKE BARKBEAST DUNG. HOPEFULLY THAT MEANS I CAN GET MAULED.

You walk through the passage, and come across a weirdly door shaped entrance. You cautiously go in, and find an illuminated patch of grass with a weird looking flower planted in the middle of it.

FLOWEY: Howdy!
KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT TALKS
FLOWEY: Uh, yeah?
KARKAT: ...
FLOWEY: By the way, I'm FLOWEY. FLOWEY the FLOWER!
KARKAT: YOU ARE A REALLY FUCKING UGLY TROLL.
FLOWEY: ...
KARKAT: LIKE SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK GENUINELY SO MALFORMED. NO WONDER YOU CAN ONLY SURVIVE DOWN HERE, THE DRONES WOULD'VE KILLED YOU INSTANTLY.
FLOWEY: Yeah... You're new to the UNDERGROUND aren'tcha?
KARKAT: I THINK THAT'S KIND OF OBVIOUS.
FLOWEY: Golly, you must be so confused. Someone ought to teach you how things work around here!
FLOWEY: I guess little old me will have to do. Ready?
KARKAT: FOR WHAT?
FLOWEY: Here we go!

You feel as if you've ascended, like the Signless himself picked you up off your feet and ripped yourself out of your own body. It's painless, but it feels very weird.

FLOWEY: See that heart? That is your SOUL, the vert culmination of your being!

You snap back into reality. The feeling persists but now you can see your own soul, and it looks really fucking weird, like an alien's double mating sac, or something stupid sounding like that.

FLOWEY: Your SOUL starts off weak, but can grow strong if you gain a lot of LV.
FLOWEY: What's LV stand for? Why, LOVE, of course!
KARKAT: WHAT IN THE GRUB-FRIENDLY TV IS THIS SHIT?
FLOWEY: Well, everyone wants LOVE, don't they?
KARKAT: I GUESS BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IS LOVE A CURRENCY DOWN HERE?
FLOWEY: ...Exactly! LOVE is a currency. Don't worry, I'll share some with you!
KARKAT: I DO NOT WANT LOVE, ESPECIALLY FROM YOU.
FLOWEY: That's not in a very LOVING spirit! You need LOVE.
KARKAT: FINE. BUT IF YOU DO ANYTHING WEIRD THEN I'LL BE FORCED TO DO SOME GARDENING.
FLOWEY: Down here, LOVE is shared through... little white... "friendliness pellets."
KARKAT: THAT'S ALREADY SUPER FUCKING WEIRD AND HELLA CREEPY.
FLOWEY: Trust me, just move around, and get as many as you can!

You immediately dodge the "friendliness pellets." Those are more suspicious than the weird ads you see on GoreHub. You mean, you don't actually visit that website, you just know about them from memes. You swear you were joking. C'mon man only weirdos visit that site, you would never.

FLOWEY: Hey buddy, you missed them. Let's try again, okay?
KARKAT: STOP.

You dodge once again. This guy is so insanely weird and creepy it's hard not to cringe when he speaks.

KARKAT: I SAID STOP, YOU WEEDKILLER-HUFFING DANDELION.
FLOWEY: Is this a joke? Are you braindead? RUN. INTO. THE. friendliness pellets.

You dodge again. You could've swore he said bullets, though his offputting aura is strong enough to distract you.

FLOWEY: You know what's going on here, don't you?
KARKAT: YEAH IT'S VERY OBVIOUS.
FLOWEY: You just wanted to see me suffer.
KARKAT: THAT'S KINDA THE POINT OF OUR ENTIRE PLAHOLY SHIT

Flowey surrounds your soul with the obviously-an-attack pellets. There's no way to dodge. There's no escape.

FLOWEY: Die.

He cackles evily. You swear you've heard it before, from the foulest villain imaginable. There's no time to ponder if you've truly seen that villain most unknowable, for the bullets are converging, and directly into your soul. Suddenly, the bullets vanish. A fireball was flung from off to the side, and the flower was sent flying. A large baabeast-looking woman steps forward, speaking in a soft tone. You're just glad you took those anthropomorphic fauna courses. What the fuck are you talking about?

TORIEL: What a terrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent youth...
KARKAT: I'M SORRY TO SAY LADY BUT I'M 6, NOT JUST A "YOUTH" ANYMORE.
TORIEL: Oh ho ho, how silly, my child. I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins. I pass through this place every day to see if anyone has fallen down.
KARKAT: SURPRISE.
TORIEL: You are the first troll to come here in a long time. Come! I will guide you through the catacombs.

You suddenly feel your soul go back into your body. The feeling is gone, and hopefully you don't have to do that again.

TORIEL: This wa-
KARKAT: THANKS LADY BUT I'M NOT A FAN OF TRUSTING PEOPLE, IT CAN'T BE THAT HARD TO NAVIGATE.
TORIEL: Oh, but, the traps of the Ruins are dangerous!
KARKAT: I DO NOT CARE.

You walk trough another door-looking entrance, and up some stairs. If cardio is one of these "dangerous traps," then consider your ass thoroughly trapped.

TORIEL: My child, please let me at least show you how to solve the puzzles!

Right as you walk into the room with your first incredibly lethal trap, the fridge-shaped woman comes barreling towards you. 

KARKAT: FUCK OFF. IF I NEED YOU, I'LL ASK.
TORIEL: But, my chil-
KARKAT: AND STOP CALLING ME YOUR CHILD. I'M NEARLY A FULL GROWN TROLL, IT'S WEIRD.
TORIEL: ...

You start to feel bad about that. This old woman is obviously incredibly lonely. The only other living thing you've seen since you fell was an evil flower, and some regular non-evil flowers. You should stop thinking about that, and just solve this puzzle. There's a locked door on the other side of the room, six buttons on the floor, a lever, and a sign. You decide to read the sign.

KARKAT: "ONLY THE FEARLESS MAY PROCEED. BRAVE ONES, FOOLISH ONES. BOTH NOT WALK THE MIDDLE ROAD." WHAT THE HELL KINDA OLD-ALTERNIAN SHIT IS THIS?

You could see the reflection of Toriel in the sign. She looks so sad, and when you looked back at her she looked like she was smiling the entire time. Whatever, just focus on the puzzle. There's a line on the floor that connects the two middle buttons. Maybe you're supposed to step on only the outside ones? Well, you do, and the door opens.

KARKAT: SEE OLD LADY? EASY.

She doesn't say anything. You walk through the newly opened door and find a much larger room. This one is already done, as Toriel labled the levers you need to press. Though, it still wouldn't be hard because there's a path to the two you need to flick, and a sign that says not to stray off the path. You walk into the next room, it has a dummy in it, but who cares because the way is already open. But before you can go through, Toriel blocks the way.

TORIEL: As a troll loving in the underground, monsters may attack you. You will need to be prepared for this situation.
KARKAT: I QUITE LITERALLY ALREADY AM.

You pull out your trusty sickle. Toriel seems shocked at this egregious display, and very confused on how you got that.

TORIEL: No, no, my chil- err... What is your name?
KARKAT: KARKAT.
TORIEL: Karkat, you need not use that! When you enter a fight, just strike up a friendly conversation. Stall for time. I will come to resolve the conflict. Practice talking to the dummy.

You walk towards the dummy and say hi, but just before you walk away to move on with your life your soul does that thing again.

KARKAT: AH FUCK NOT THIS AGAIN.
TORIEL: It is okay, my ch... Karkat!

The last time this "battle mode" ended it was because your opponent was defeated, so you cut it with your sickle.

TORIEL: Ahh, the dummies are not for fighting! They are for talking!
KARKAT: QUITE LITERALLY UNTRUE. TRAINING DUMMIES ARE MADE FOR FIGHTING.
TORIEL: They are talking dummies, not training dummies!
KARKAT: I DIDN'T HEAR THAT ONE TALK.
TORIEL: Please do not attack anyone, simply just refuse to fight or run away. It is never okay to hurt someone.
KARKAT: HEY DIDN'T YOU THROW A BALL OF FIRE AT A LIVING PLANT?
TORIEL: It is okay to hurt someone if they hurting someone weaker, but not any time else!
KARKAT: I LITERALLY HAVE A WEAPON THAT WAS INVENTED FOR CHOPPING DOWN HOMOCIDAL PLANTS, I'M PRETTY SURE HE WOULD BE SCREWED IF I FOUGHT HIM.
TORIEL: ...

Based on her reaction, you just said at least three stupid things. You suspect if this was online you would be having a self loathing episode right about now. Toriel walks into the next room, and you follow. Suddenly, a froggit jumps out from nowhere and you enter a battle.

KARKAT: FUCK OFF, FROG.

The froggit seems offended, but Toriel does a death glare at it before (you assume) it calls you slurs. You walk a few more paces towards a small bridge to a field of spikes surrounded by water.

TORIEL: This is a puzzle that is... Here, take my hand for a moment.
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
TORIEL: The spikes are dangerous to navigate if you do not know the path.
KARKAT: I CAN LITERALLY JUST WALK AROUND IT. THE WATER ISN'T THAT DEEP.
TORIEL: But, you will get wet that way, you could catch a cold!
KARKAT: I WOULD BE MORE SCARED OF A SEA DWELLER JUMPING OUT OF THIS PUDDLE THAN GETTING SICK.

You angrily stomp through the small moat while Toriel walks through the spike path, the spikes retreating into the floor when she gets near. You both reach the second room in about the same time.

TORIEL: I was going to make you walk to the end of this room by yourself as a test of independence.
TORIEL: But it appears you have already proven yourself.
KARKAT: OF COURSE I HAVE, HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN THE PLANET YOU'RE IN?

Toriel makes a shocked face for just a second and turns away. That obviously upset her. She begins walking through the long hall, and you follow suit. You attempt to say something, but nothing leaves your lips.

TORIEL: I must attend to some business. Have this phone, please wait here.

Toriel hands you a weird looking palmhusk and runs off. She must be a fool if she thinks you're just going to wait there. You almost instantly walk out the door